Hey there mom! How are you doing??
“Fine” I’m sure! If you’re like me…you’re so numb to that question, you’d never know how to answer that honestly even if you gave it a little more than a second to think. And like you have that kind of time! If you’re like me, you’re a mom who hasn’t thought about your own needs or wants, or what puts wind in your sails, or what makes you tick or…anything at all about YOU since the dawn of your offspring entering the picture! Because it’s all about these little humans you’ve created! These little miracles you hoped and dreamed for one day, and now here they are and it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be? You may feel like you’re kind of going through the motions. I mean let’s face it, we’re all faking it till we make it! I’m all too aware I’m providing endless of material for a future therapist for my kids, and my twins are only two! There are things inside of you, you NEVER knew lived! It can be amazingly good and beautiful stuff, and it can be terrifying and scary things in the same breath. All the phrases you’d “NEVER” say, and before you even know, it’s flooding out of your mouth with no way of stopping it! It’s amazing how awesome of a parent you were…when you didn’t have kids! All the things you’d see others do, or remembering how you were raised and that was NOT how you’d parent. Then they enter your world, it’s turned upside down, and you’re just trying to stay above water! I hear ya! I’m there, way too often. That’s why I started up my Facebook page and Instagram page, Wine and Mama Time. I was confident I wasn’t alone in this journey, and needed others support!
If you’re reading this, you’ve somehow found your way to motherhood! Something I always knew I was born to do! Be a mom. Some people just know, some people are surprised to become one, and some people would give ANYTHING to become one. I knew in my soul it was my purpose in life, and when it didn’t come so effortlessly like it did for some of my friends, my heart ached. We had become pregnant 3 months into trying, after I FINALLY got my husband on board of the parent train. It had been waiting to leave the station for me the minute I knew he was “ the one”! Then quickly we lost that pregnancy, and I suddenly became the poster “child”, no pun intended, for infertility. The more I went to Drs appointments, the more EVERY HUMAN around me was pregnant. Even dogs and cats, I felt, were taunting me with their fertility. It ate at me. It was all I could focus on, and all I could ever ask God for. Oh, what I’d do with such a gift to be blessed upon me! I’d never ask for another thing again! I was GREATLY appreciating people’s unsolicited advice through these dark days of “Just relax. You’re thinking too much about it!” Hey thanks! Because the endless Drs appointments I have to keep track of, drugs I have to take, and injections I have to administer really give a gal a chance at relaxation!! I suppose that gets ya ready for an endless life of people and their unsolicited advice when you become a parent! It can be angering, hurtful, overwhelming, or just bizarre what people feel they can tell you! I suppose there’s a perfect world of balance where you have the confidence in yourself that it doesn’t bother you, the strength to kindly tell people a little piece of your mind, and a “I don’t give a (insert explicit of your choice)” attitude. It’s always going to be out there, and it’s how you absorb it between your two ears sure can make a difference. But let’s face it, nobody enjoys judgement or unsolicited advice when they don’t really know the path you’re currently walking down. It can be hard to know how to react when your hormones are raging and you’re tired and beat down…and, well, a mom! The GLUE! Keeping everything together!! Your family, your extended family, your marriage, your career, your friendships, your relationships with all involved in your children’s lives….all that sure reminds me of where I can easily find myself today with having children. Overwhelmed, tired, full of a lot of love and amazing “feels” I’ve never experienced before…but boy, am I TIRED!! We were blessed to find out after 2 years of trying, we were pregnant, and expecting TWINS!! They arrived with an amazing pregnancy. Arrived without having to have a C-section. Something I had planned on doing until one week before I delivered, and my Dr. suggested it. I pushed for 20 minutes, and a 6lb 5oz baby arrived, and 6 minutes later, a second baby girl arrived weighing 5lbs 9oz. And nobody gave me a sticker or badge or anything for such a beautiful production I had created and executed! What the heck!?! Lol! Pomp and circumstance and some balloons and confetti is all this gal is asking for…but alas, people were too excited over these adorable perfect little bundles of joy. Truth be told, I was obsessed too! I gladly handed over the spotlight to my precious babies.
Then I floated on a cloud.
Beamed from the inside out. Had this incredible feeling of purpose and confidence of what all I had done, bringing some people into this world! I had hopes and dreams of this magical mother I would be. The cool mom. The relaxed mom. The “let’s have ALL the patience in the world, like an unnatural amount of patience!. I’d be the mom my friends would look to and say, “that Blayr. I just don’t know how she does it? She’s so amazing!” The mom that would say “I don’t have that problem?” Or “I’m sorry I don’t know what you’re talking about…my kids don’t do that.” And I’ll be honest, I did have some pretty amazing babies. BABIES. They slept through the night at 8 weeks. I was able to breast feed. They were happy and healthy! Weren’t sick too often and just thrived! I will say, as a hairstylist, I’d been told SO MANY scary things, I really did try to have a level head and have low expectations! Lol I hadn’t planned on a natural birth with twins, and breast feeding, and was pleased when those things actually happened! But nothing, NOTHING, can ever prepare you for how life goes, for the rest of your life, having kids!! My harsh reality began a little before my girls turned two!
It was at the ripe age of 22 months when it hit me.
A double stack of bricks being thrown at me of realization of what I had entered into. It was a time when we were considering adding to the fam because, well, our little angels were that, angels. I was totally ready to drizzle my amazing mom skills onto another LUCKY off spring. Until they crept into the 2 year old realm. The mom I had become so quickly was one I had not recognized. Someone I never knew existed within me. I was ready to go back and punch that “Blayr Mom” of the early years in the face because she was a little too chipper, and well rested for this new “Blayr Mom” of today!!! The anger, the frustration, the exhaustion, the little assholes my precious little princess baby angels had become…it wasn’t anything I was prepared for! After all, if I’ve learned anything about being a mom, you truly TRULY can’t grasp it, until you’re in the trenches! You can read all the material in this world to best prepare you…but those books and tutorials are never going to prepare you for the rage that somehow erupts out of you when you’re broken down, exhausted, have nothing more to give, and just want a hot meal in your belly! Instead, you’re forced to eat a large slice of humble pie, and keep at it day in day out, minute by minute, second to second! When you look at that amazing piece of your heart walking outside of your body, and then they wander into a place you hadn’t baby proofed yet. Like a toilet, and splash around in it, and then baptize their favorite blankie in it, and then smear a wet blankie all over their face. After you’ve told them” NOOOOO THAT’S DISGUSTING!!”, of which you are aware they have no clue what disgusting means, what germs are, what a Haz-Mat suit is. You kind of remember you’re the adult and have been on the earth far longer than they have. And maybe they just don’t know, like anything? And you realize that’s your job to do the educating, not the yelling. You find yourself in an emotional fight within your own brain of being mad at yourself for over reacting, for not properly baby proofing what they got into, shocked at your reaction, upset you’ve just ruined this little being for life. Then sometimes you have a spouse criticizing your unexpected way of handling a situation, then you hate them!! Bottom line is, holy heck this “job” is hard!!!! If we’re never been a parent before, why do we beat ourselves up for not knowing what the hell to do!?! Why do we assume we’re going to remain calm at all times, talk through the situation at an appropriate level of understanding for the age of our child, and hug it out just in time to remove the homemade dinner from scratch, and fresh baked cookies from the oven we whipped up in all our free time!?? Why are we so hard on ourselves as women when we fall hard from our expectations? Why are we so hard on ourselves when we surprise ourselves with an emotion or fit of rage when our child does something we haven’t witnessed before? And better yet, why are we as women soooooo hard on one another and judgmental on one another!?! Why can’t we just be there for the mom’s who look like they’re struggling, and reach out instead of talking about them behind their backs? Who the hell has it so perfect at parenting, I ask you?? I might not be in this “Mom Game” for very long, but what I have learned with 15 years of being a hairstylist (and you know how honest we women are with our hairstylist, right??) is it’s HARD. Like insanely draining, hardest, mind numbing, just get through the day, Hell just even attempt to get through the next few minutes without harming myself or my child kind of HARD! Nobody tells you how big of assholes your own kids will be to YOU, because they touch the buttons inside of you just right. Like nobody else can! Because they’re a part of you! Don’t get me wrong, the love you have for these tiny little gremlins is what gets you out of bed every day to do it again! What enduring the tantrum of psychotic-ness, to get to that beautiful moment of snuggles and serenity after, is what it’s all about. The way they look when they sleep. It goes without saying how our hearts burst with pride when we see our children! I’m just talking honestly and openly about all the things we all are going through. Quietly, or exposed. Like discovering that Mama Bear is a REAL THING! How you’d lay down your life, spare your own feelings, take on everything and anything so they don’t feel pain a second in their life, kind of love. But let’s be real, they can be assholes!
They will push you to all spectrums of emotions inside yourself. Show you things inside yourself you never knew. Levels of compassion, understanding, and a chance at learning how to slowly become the best parent you’re meant to be! They will make the depths of your soul laugh and cry and love like never before!
A wise woman once told me…
as I was struggling with the next chapter life dropped off at my front door, terrible twos, that we as women have to mourn the loss of what we THOUGHT parenting would be, and learn to live with what it IS to be a parent! It’s ok to be frustrated, it’s ok to “hate” them every now and then! It’s ok to helicopter. It’s ok to have your own space. It’s ok to be scared for their future. It’s ok to not know what you’re doing! It’s normal to constantly doubt yourself at all hours and minutes and seconds of the day! It’s ok to find yourself in the bathroom, car or laundry room with tears, cookies, wine, or all of the above! It’s mostly important to ask for help when something feels out of control. It just proves you’re putting yourself out there and you care! Care and are concerned about giving your kids the BEST of you! But still, it’s ok to have that girls night out, actually that’s a MUST!!! Girl time for moms especially, becomes a necessity, not a luxury! Join a book club, take a yoga class, join a support group if you’re struggling with a specific need involving your child. Meet that friend for a drink, go on that girls trip! Because it’s fellow women who truly “Get it!!” What it means to carry the mom card!! It’s us moms who live it day in and day out! Not that the men and dads in our lives and our kids lives aren’t tremendously helpful!! Lord knows I wouldn’t be here today without my rock of a husband standing by my side. But at the end of the day, they only can empathize, understand, and attempt to put themselves in our shoes so much! Your girl friend is walking in those shoes day in day out! And it’s ok to love yourself. Like ALL of yourself! Your strengths, your weaknesses, the good the bad and the ugly! Give yourself grace, let yourself fail, give yourself a chance at redemption, and a chance to become the best parent your kid is so fortunate to have!! Don’t forget how important in yours kids’ eyes YOU are! Give yourself the same worth. Even if they’re older, pushing away, being so complicated, maybe even hateful. Deep down, they still NEED you.
That’s why I designed Wine and Mama Time.
I had so many women sit in my chair, and bless me with their honesty and transparency of how hard life can get. I always knew I would one day utilize the common thread that runs through all of us woman, and try to create a safe place to let our guards down, lay the cards out on the table, and greet it all with love and compassion! I may not understand or know the road you’re going down, but I’d like to. Or at least give you a place where you can laugh! If we can’t laugh at this ride we’re on, then it’s going to take us down. More importantly, take our kids down. They deserve strong healthy minded and balanced mom’s. Ones who face adversity and show them sometimes you don’t have all the answers, but they’re worth everything in us to find them. We deserve to show them that ups and downs are normal, healthy, and a part of life. It’s what we do when the rain is coming down, and the sun hasn’t shown for awhile. Do we hide? Or do we dance? Wine and Mama Time was my outlet I needed to create because I felt a need for it in my life. A chance to draw back the curtain a bit to expose the honesty and realness it is to do the toughest job out there, raising kids! For every mom out there throwing judgement, know she’s sat in her car bawling her eyes out because of something her kid has done! and self doubting herself. Let’s be real, who doesn’t love a good shower or car cry?!? Nobody is perfect, no one has it mastered, and we’re all in this together! As my good friend Rhianna says (HA!!) “Shine bright like a diamond!” You know how diamonds are created, right? With the toughest of surroundings, a lot of pressure, and someone there to help discover you!! We’re not meant to go it alone.
Join me over at Wine and Mama Time where we all help one another shine like the diamonds we are!! An amazing growing community of support. And we laugh, like A LOT!!! Oh and did I fail to mention we drink wine too? So there’s that!
Cheers to ALL the Rockstar Mamas out there!!! You all deserve to be celebrated!